As today’s ‘Act Of Brave’ requires a public statement of commitment, I am going to start this post with some selfless promotion. There’s nothing more public than social media right now and as I am all over it, I have put together a handy list of all my profiles that you can FIND HERE. Please come on over and find me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook as I will totally appreciate it and maybe even flash you a smile.
And now that’s out-of-the-way, let’s get to the subject at hand huh?
I feel like I covered my need for commitment in yesterday’s post so I am not going to re-hash all of that. Instead I thought it might be interesting to delve into my mind as that of someone with BPD and explore why commitment is difficult. Just to be double clear here we are not talking about romantic or relationship commitment because that’s a whole new kettle of fish. Ironically I am about to focus on the inability I have to focus on tasks, projects, etc over a sustained period of time*.
Okay so I have tried several times to write the following as a comprehensive list but I just couldn’t**. I realised that my mind, being BPD central isn’t simple and many of these things happen at once or somehow meld together to create nodes of contempt. Better then to just try to discuss the things I feel hinder me from committing and following through with stuff and hopefully throw in some tips and possible counteractions along the way.
I guess it all starts with Procrastination doesn’t it and, for me at least, telling myself that I work best under pressure. This is a big fat lie of course as I certainly do not. In fact the only thing commitment pressure is good for is forcing me to accept my fate. This website describes ‘Discomfort Dodging’, something I feel I am guilty of in almost all aspects of my life. Just not doing something often feels easier on the soul than dealing with the feelings, symptoms and emotions that doing can spin out. Again this is a lie because guilt is an absolute bastard and I do feel it A LOT, nearly every single day.
Truth is I rely heavily on my Impulsiveness for me to start something but even then it’s a double-edged sword. I am very lucky in that so far this part of me hasn’t led me down too many destructive paths and instead it just plays with my creative psyche. It’s like a bubbling pot and sometimes it’s spits out something that ‘I simply must do’, but I better get on and do it fast because it will be spitting out another one soon. Couple this with the dreaded changing identity and it really is a wonder anything get’s done.
I want to touch briefly on Changing Identity as it used to play a massive part in my BPD and is probably one of the most misconstrued things. People tend to think it to mean multiple personalities which it doesn’t, it is more a struggle to fit in and a strange sense of self. A bit like a chameleon it is common for a BPD sufferer to change quickly depending on situation, environment, people etc and I was great at this. Although, I am more settled within my own routine and amongst my friends, changing identity does make my tastes and urges flip sometimes which means that something I am really into may not be fact a few hours later – I know so fickle!
Now unless you are an utter powerhouse of a human being Self Doubt is always going to creep in BPD or not. I am definitely no powerhouse so feel it in abundance and with massive extremities. Starting, doing and finishing even the menial of tasks are often met with the mind fuck of ‘I am an utter failure who doesn’t deserve anything’. Sometimes it wins and sometimes it doesn’t but it really is a constant battle much like all of the things I am mentioning here really.
The BPD mind is always tricking us in to believing that nothing is worth anything and certainly not when we are involved in it. Although I am sure that everything one feels some of these ‘symptoms’ at one point or other I have to stress that compared to the average person anything that involves feeling is overwhelmingly extreme to a borderline – so just about everything in life then?!
Talking of Stress and the need to process it properly, forget it because I can’t. All I am writing about manifest themselves through stress and even cause the stress to begin with. It’s the one main thing I severely feel I can never win with although it’s also the one I try the hardest with. I truly think that if I can become a master of stress processing and relief my life would be a hundred times easier to navigate. In the instance of commitment and completion though, it raises it’s head more than I like to admit – usually leaving me leftt in a state of it’s two little friends Anxiety and Depression.***
So Why Haven’t I Just Given Up? What Do I Do In Combat? How Will I Stay Committed?
The answer to all three of the above questions is ‘I FIGHT’ but it’s not simple nor easy. It’s fair to say that having a fight with yourself is exhausting and more than half the time I feel like I am losing big time. What keeps me going is the promise to myself that I have tucked away somewhere behind all the negativity. I KNOW I can do things and I can achieve because past experience dictates this. I also know that like every single other time the clouds will lift and like most things ‘this soon will pass’. I pay mind to the trickery of course because when in the emotional moment it really can feel like my grip on reality is bust and the world is about to crumble in front of my very eyes. I know I have a mental disorder and I do allow for that but I will not blindly excuse myself. I do everything I can within my power to keep my mind clear so I can focus better whether that’s provide myself with better organisation or taking my medication.
Right now I am just telling myself that I must push through and that’s okay to feel the burn off it all providing I am trying my best. I am rambling now so I will close here but I will be back with day three of the challenge and as we go on, probably discuss all these things more.
Do you relate to anything I’ve said? What helps you?
*Some of these things will affect you as a sufferer and non sufferer of BPD alike, some of them won’t. This is not an extensive list as I have chosen the ones that are applicable to me on a personal level.
**I also tried about a millions times to write this post full stop. Case in point really.
***I don’t feel I need to go into great detail about these as I feel they will crop up loads over the challenge and beyond.