So today is all about new-found inspiration and let’s not lie here, right now I couldn’t feel further from it. I am not sure how I feel.Nervous maybe? A little hopeful? Truth is, I spent a few moments earlier trying to think about the last time I was truly inspired and I all could come up with were the false bursts of focus I describe here. That’s the trouble with us borderlines though isn’t it, the moment often seems so overwhelming that none of it feels quite real and even if we do start something.. it doesn’t last very long.
I WANT to be determined. I would say I AM determined but I still seem to have a pessimistic pigeon sat on my shoulder. Perhaps though he will shift as I get further through the challenge and can see I am achieving. Perhaps also, I will realise that recovery is still within my reach and there’s enough in life to inspire me a little everyday. It’s a lot of perhaps but still a whole load better than a big fat no!
Today’s ‘Act Of Brave’ instructed me to choose a physical object to serve as a reminder of why I committed to the challenge and again I had a little think. I came to the conclusion that I wanted a flower or plant of some sort as I am girl who loves symbolism and growth is my main reason for doing any of this. I planted seeds, watered them and sat them in my window where I can see them daily. As they grow over the next 30 days (and hopefully beyond), so will I.. cute huh? It’s a romantic notion but I hope it will spur me on somehow AND if all does fail (pessimistic pigeon again) at least I will have something pretty for the cat to try to eat.
Let’s talk about the idea of growth then, and more specifically what it means to me. Why did it drive me to sign up for ’30 days of brave’ and what exactly do I feel is missing from my life? Before all this, I read many articles about living with fulfilment and most of them told me I had to give things up and let them go. Now I am all for ridding myself of bad habits but my ultimate goal here is to gain as much as possible and not to lose too many elements of my life in the process.
But then I got to thinking again and I know this is a running theme but my mind works crazy overtime!!!
My life as it were has hardly been full and perfect. In fact it would be truer to say that I have spent huge portions of it totally lost and doing very little apart from some state of existing. I was a product of rough parenting and a victim of abuse and what I was never told, is that lif eis for living because ultimately it can be good. I remember just feeling like something that no-one really wanted and that I wasn’t meant to be part of the elusive ‘life’. Being happy felt like fraud and trying anything other than the usual plod of getting through the days seemed superficial and pointless.
Never quite knowing who I was manifested itself way into my adulthood and I found myself riddled with mental illness. I was more lost than ever before, constantly making mistakes and scared of trying anything major because I would just fail again. I was crap with people, crapper with myself and skipped between deep sadness and quivering anxiety. In all honesty, this is how I still live although less engulfing and by some grace of God or other obscure miracle I have now made it to 38 years old. Although the mental health diagnosis gave me plenty of excuses for acting like the world owed me something it did nothing to help me take responsibility for myself and engage the realisation that I didn’t choose to be this way.
I can feel a flame inside me pushing me to create more and perform better. The only thing in between where I am now and where I want to be, is acting on my brave intentions.
It’s time to take control and the time has to be now! As I approach my 40th birthday** I really want my remaining years to be the best they can be. There are so many mini goals that I hope to smash over time but my commitment now is to learn more about myself, my mental illness, my recovery and to use them to make me a better person all in. The seed has been planted through some real hard work on my part over the last few years and I KNOW there’s a better world for me to be in. It’s time to realise that this is my inspiration and this is my footpath to forge. I am able to look forward and go there because I OWE MYSELF SOMETHING!
* I’ve added a separate tab to my main page to give a basic outline of what ‘3O Days Of Brave’ is all about. I’ve done this to clear some space and allow me to just into my daily posts but also to have all the information together to make it easy for people to follow along/join in themselves.
**I put far too much focus on age really. I am constantly told that I am not nearly 40, I blatantly am!