Oh the mind of someone with borderline personality disorder, it never really stops does it? A wiser person than me once described my way of thinking as ‘having a lot of internet tabs open at once’ and you know what, it’s about right. I start things all the time and never quite finish them because there is quite simply, a thousand ideas crammed inside my head. I flick from one thing to the next and nothing has any order or place in reality because although I can spend hours planning wonderful things, they never seem to really go anywhere. I have all the ability to analyse because I spend enough time doing it to other people but I when my mood is low I lack motivation, drive and want to finish anything.
Does Any Of This Sound Familiar?
I knew when I started, writing a blog would be tough. One negative side to B.P.D is both the frequency and intensity of episodes meaning some days I am able to do absolutely nothing at all. Regardless I had a point of view and a wish to share it so here I am doing what I do.
I wanted this blog to be a space for me to process thoughts and the things that bind me when it comes to my mental disorder. I wanted to throw my ten pence worth into the world in the hope that one person somewhere was feeling the same way as me and could relate. I want to help and also recover and more so document that recovery. I wanted to show that I was living life when I really didn’t feel like living it by expressing my creativity and sharing the things that help keep me sane through the darkness. I wanted to show my gratitude for still breathing each day and reach out to others with an encouraging (and somewhat helpful) word.
So.. what the hell happened?
To put it bluntly, life with B.P.D happened. There was the added curve ball of an absolute hellish medication change and this was sprinkled with absolute tardiness on my part. I have spent a month or so struggling with my mental and physical system but let’s be straight here, the more time that passed the less easy it became for me to just start writing again. My inspiration had left me along with the fire of new-found enthusiasm I get far to often for it to actually mean anything. None of it felt very nice and the longer I stayed away the more I felt like I had failed again. I cried, worried and self hated and then eventually decided to give myself a swift kick up the backside!
I came across the ’30 Days Of Brave’ challenge by Intention Inspired while I was lazily browsing the net searching for a lightbulb moment. After a quick read, I thought a blog challenge would be perfect to start my creative juices again and instill some discipline in me because I will be blogging daily.** I didn’t want to just jump on to any old thing in order to fill up space without it being relevant but I am convinced that this particular movement is not only relevant but could prove hugely helpful. It seems like a win win as I can provide regular quality content and also retrain myself a little to do as I say..
So that’s the first bit of news. Expect the first installment quick sharp!*
On top of that and beyond, I have some creative projects and D.I.Ys I aim to share. I want to start to include snippets of my recovery life in the things I see, places I visit and stuff I do.*** I hope that by opening myself up a little more my piece of web space will become more rounded and a joy to both write and read. All the B.P.D stuff will still remain of course as I will never stop talking about mental health. My priority has always been using my voice to discuss the minefield that presents itself to both me and a lot of you. I just want get some focus (hence the title) and if I can get in more ways than one bonus jonas.
Please bear with me and stick around peeps. There’s plenty to come, my mind works overtime remember.
*If you want to find out more or even get involved yourself, you can sign up HERE and then of course come back and see how I am getting on.
** Of course I can’t guarantee I will continue with daily blogging but a start is a start right?
***These posts will officially be coming after the 30 day challenge is complete but I hope to sneak one or two in during.
FIRST INSTALLMENT 1st JUNE