Since realising that I needed to try to get some recovery from my borderline personality disorder I have been very careful. You see the minute I accepted the diagnosis I accepted the label and it became really easy to blame every little thing on my mental illness. Whatever I did and however I reacted I would tell myself that it was part of the BPD. In my head I had been given this get out of jail free card and to me at least, having BPD somehow excused everything I did.
Of course it wasn’t that simple and I fell into a pit of distaste. People didn’t see things the same way as me (obviously) and I would still spend hours beating myself up. Although I would somehow justify things by referring back to the mental illness label, I hated being seen as mentally ill. I was stuck in this constant to and fro and totally lost myself in ways that even now I don’t fully understand. I became wrapped up in this label that was given to me by just about everyone not attached to me on a personal level (and then again, even by some of them).
What I did was embrace it even though it swirled around like rotten food in the pit of my stomach. I wandered around in this haze of not knowing and I became really angry!
What had actually happened is I had stopped caring about the blur. I didn’t know where the mental illness ended and where I started and I certainly had no concept of my own definition. I had forgotten who I was because I became the BPD.
I will talk about the moment of change another day but that moment of change did happen and I am glad of it. It was gradual and a bit of a fight and as you know, the journey is ongoing. My eyes, mind and heart are slowly reopening and I am beginning to see that although BPD is a part of me, there is a whole woman who has to (and will) exsist beyond that.
That woman has to now take responsibility…
Everything that happens to me, around me and because of me does not naturally revert back to that label. There are things that happen to every single person at some point in their lives and I will experience them too. There are times when I react to situations because I am just pissed off or sad or (can you believe it) happy. There are times when I am wrong or unfair, times when I have to feel guilt or apologise and times when I do things that other people just aint gonna get. It’s all part of being a human being and that is what I am.
Accepting my mental illness was easy in comparison to actually stepping away from its bubble. Despite its hinderance on my daily life, my relationships and my entire make up, it has also protected me. When every one and every thing else was gone because they couldn’t handle me or I pushed them away, the ‘sickness’ remained. People with BPD crave consistency and I am no different there. You know what? It’s a good job too because although not logical BPD is VERY consistent.If you allow it, it can AND will affect everything.
I know I sound like I am hating on something I am never going to rid myself of completely but I am honestly not. The kicker is, that (so they say) my mental illness can never be cured so I am stuck with it yes? Instead of mulling around in self hate I needed to get productive and choose to live my life with it walking beside me as opposed to it being wrapped around my neck.
It’s not an exact science though and I do not have it all figured out. There are days or weeks or even months when parts of the BPD engulf me and squash the positivity I am spouting now but these are only moments and it is not my entirety. It may take small parts of me and even keep them sometimes but it does not define every thought I have, movement I make or word I speak.
I am lots of things..
All of them make me but none of them define me completely.
Borderline Personality Disorder is just one of those things!